HateFarm

Choose your own adventure:

• Eric’s Picks
• A Word From Rob/Rob’s Picks
• Keith’s Picks
• The Characters
• The Dress Missy Game
• Wallpapers
• Avatars
• Other Stuff
• The Mall Monkeys CD

A Special Message from Eric:

Internet scientists, scholars and magicians have all declared Mall Monkeys to be the worst webcomic on the internet — even worse than HATEFARM — and you guys still won’t stop bugging us about it. “Oh Eric, I want to read the comic.” or, “Oh Eric, I want to buy the CD.” or, “Oh Eric, can you send me photos of Rob’s penis?” I’m pretty much ashamed the comic ever existed but, if it means you guys will buy the CD and pretend to be my friend for just a couple of seconds, I’ll jump through any variety of degrading hoops. Warm, sticky, degrading hoops. Just for you. I love you guys. Thanks.

What Was Mall Monkeys?

Mall Monkeys was a webcomic that ran from July 2002 through February 2004, spanning very nearly 300 comics. It was drawn by Eric using a mouse and Flash, relying heavily on copy and pasted images to get out a couple comics a week. The writing was distributed somewhat evenly between Eric, Rob and Keith. It featured a cast of 25 main characters (plus a ton of random appearances), most of which were stereotypical teenagers that hung out almost exclusively at the mall. Seeing as how Rob and Eric were still in high school at the time, the writing usually didn’t advance past gross-out humor, sex jokes, stereotypes and racism. We hope you’re all like “oh my gosh hatefarm is so advanced at all the humors” after reading Mall Monkeys. Coupled with its infamous forums, the website became one of the premiere places on the internet to dumb down the human race. It gained a freakishly large following of weirdos, perverts and nerds, some of which are still (somehow) alive today.

The Comics

Here is a collection of some of our favorite comics. The critics are raving: My 8 year old idiot nephew says Mall Monkeys is “the funiest comic ever.” His little brother says he likes “all of the funny faces,” and his little sister smiled at the comics. The CD contains the full archive and also the 19 page “final comic”.

Eric’s Picks

“Here are a few comics that I only hate a little bit.”  - Eric

                                                                                                                

A Word From Rob / Rob’s Picks

“Looking back on Mall Monkeys is like examining a time capsule of how much I hated everything in my life as a teenager. My memory is permanently fuzzy but I recall Eric asking me if I’d be interested in helping him with a comic about the kinds of people you see at the mall and then the next day it was really happening. Rather than trying to create compelling situations or constructing well thought and paced jokes, what I had was an endless landscape to unload my infantile vengeance on a world that I felt was constantly trying to bring me down.

For whatever reason, the efforts of Eric, Keith and I gained an abnormal amount of popularity and I think that’s where my ego instinctually feels validated when thinking about those days. Meeting “fans” and getting lots more attention and feedback than any other part of my life felt as if part of me was connecting and healing my bond with the people I sought to make a mockery of. Conversely, my logical and slightly more adult mind just sees a lot of misplaced stereotypes and valiant efforts to be funny left bloodied and mangled in a pile of jokes that didn’t quite have enough firepower behind them to hit. But I suppose they were just close enough that people responded to it.

I never really viewed it as offensive at the time. Having grown up in a very diverse sea of peers from every color, creed or clothing style, making jokes about ways we were all different was something done tactlessly amongst friends and enemies alike. Even though some of them in hindsight make me cringe as my suburban, white cis male guilt grows with each passing year, we were just idiot kids trying to figure ourselves out and tearing down everything around us until we found which way to go. I was a much different person then than now, having shed more than a few layers of vitriol and just barely hanging on to my trusty, casual irreverence. Besides, we have Hatefarm now, where the bitches and moans grow on trees!

So anyway, about these wacky comics! I picked a few that made me laugh, some at and some with. I still think the one about anal sex is amusing. Not “haha” funny, but “solemn and understanding nod” funny. Also, the one with Brad and Raymond where they both admit to feeling gay, I remember really wanting to match them up as a couple. My frustration with the opposite sex (as evidenced in the many comics mocking my still begin a virgin in those days) commonly led me to wishing I would wake up a gay man one day, stop fawning over the girls who wouldn’t go out with me and just start dating some dude I could play video games with. Sadly, my open mind about it doesn’t extend to my penis, or else I assure you I’d be cuddled up with my man on a couch somewhere right now, identifying with Cam and Mitchell on Modern Family instead of writing retrospective bullshit about my stupid webcomic from ten years ago. (Now that I think about it, by still pursuing women out of my league to this day, I think I have scientifically proven that one cannot choose their sexual orientation and I’ll accept my Nobel Prize in the form of cash and a lifetime supply of pizza. Your move, conservative nutjobs.)

As for the rest of my picks, I love that one Eric did with the stolen skateboard. I read that last panel with Mikey, the kid with the final line of “It was an honest mistake.” in such a deadpan voice and it kills me for some reason. Also, a probably very sick part of me really misses Keith constantly emasculating me or just making me look really dumb, because I deserve it and he was prone to having laser-accurate lampooning ability when necessary. Maybe we can talk him into doing a guest comic script sometime when he’s not busy battling space monsters or whatever it is he’s probably doing these days.

I’m unsure of if I inadvertently plagiarized the one with the invisible alligator stuff or not, because it made me laugh at myself more than usual. Or maybe invisible alligators are real and I’m the only person with the balls to admit it. The “free angry meal” comic (because angry is the opposite of happy, or something. GET IT?!?!), when followed by the comic with me crying “It was just a joke!” sum up how much of a natural born idiot I am. I don’t remember what that last one was supposed to be about at all, but it seems like an appropriate apology for my zero tolerance war on being funny that I was/am often engaged in.” -Rob

                                   

Keith’s Picks

Keith’s picks are coming soon… in the meantime here are a bunch of classic Keith comics that were picked for him.

                                                            

The Final Comic (preview)

      

Characters

Here are just a few of the main characters. They have very sophisticated, multidimensional personalities and each go through very specific character arcs throughout the course of the comic.  I’m kidding of course, they’re completely interchangeable archetypes. Except Mikey. Poor, poor Mikey. If you want to see all 55 characters and their descriptions, grab the Mall Monkeys CD! I even made the link blue and underlined so you know to fucking click it. It couldn’t get any easier.

Missy

Akira

Fakeem

Raymond

Mikey

Brad

Filbton

Pink

Aldornia

Jamerz

The Dress Missy Game

Over 2 million people have dressed Missy…click below to join the ranks.
 

Just like HATEFARM, Mall Monkeys had an intensely misogynistic “Poster Girl” named Missy. Internet weirdos all over wanted to undress her so bad they would ask Eric for naked drawings. Like, on a weekly basis. Thusly, a dress up game was born from the womb of internet depravity. One fan (who may or may have not been my mom) said that it was the best dress up game ever created. My favorite part of the game is the animated intro movie, which to this day makes me almost crack a smile. If you knew the right outfits to pick, you could even get rewarded by hearing Missy say…well…perverted things.

You can still play the original game on Newgrounds, but if you want to play the SEXIER version with added background animations, over 50 new clothing items, and a guide to all of the clothing combinations…you’re going to have to pony up some cash and collect yourself a sexy edition Mall Monkeys CD. Below are some screenshots and a few of the clothing combination solutions for your fashion pleasure.